The Story of Devin

So while my husband, Ryan, drove to New Jersey to celebrate our friends Josh and Ruth’s baby shower (in anticipation of their beautiful Abigail), I stayed behind for a poetry reading with the incredible Venus Thrash — one of my last live readings before COVID. But before I did, I ran to CVS, and while getting ready for the show, I took the test. It says wait three minutes for a result but it was about three seconds before I saw those two pink lines appear. I began to laugh, cry, and maybe also let out an expletive (lol). I went to my reading and I smiled to myself as I shared a Lyft (remember doing that?) home with Venus and we talked about her son, about parenthood. I tried not to smile when she asked if I had kids and I said, “no.”

I waited for Ryan to get home that evening, wrapping the pregnancy test in a plastic bag and layers of gift tissue. I told him I found this crazy thing at CVS and knew I had to give it to him as a funny early Valentine’s gift. I giggled as he grumbled, digging through the gift bag and tearing through layers of tissue paper — “Now Daria, you know I don’t like all this extra fuss.” I laughed harder, when suddenly he arrived at the final layer, looking in confusion at the white stick in his hands. He looked up at me with the widest eyes and said, “Seriously?” crossing the bed to put his arms around my belly, to listen.

The following months were tough. My sister, Dani, who was going through a high-risk pregnancy of her own, was hospitalised some days later, and after two weeks delivered her now healthy, gorgeous twins: the best nieces ever. The world shut down due to a pandemic. Depression, anxiety, and near constant nausea plagued me. The hormones took a toll on my mental health, my marriage and other relationships.

Still, she took forever to learn to breathe and feed on her own. At one point they told us we could likely bring her home, only to end up keeping her there another two weeks. It was the worst let down. Nevertheless, she was in good hands and became a favourite among the NICU nurses for her sweet, easy disposition, and after 118 days, we brought her home. We had ached for that day. Though I hated pregnancy, I had missed carrying her around in my body. When she came home, she met the few family members who could get to her safely, she FaceTimed others, she received countless gifts and well wishes from amazingly supportive loved ones (I promise you will get your thank you cards eventually!) Through see-through masks from our friend Francesca, she saw us smiling at her in the hospital and got to know our faces. We received encouragement from fellow NICU parents like Tiffany and K, John and Jane, and Erika and Jose, whose daughter was born the same day and always in a crib close by. We tried to reciprocate that support. Our baby was prayed over and loved on and overwhelmingly uplifted. She let me — the sensitive crybaby poet — know how tough I was. And she helped Ryan and me heal and find some peace in the chaotic world.

She came home to us a month after her due date and brought us closer together. She loves her Uncle Sean, who interprets, “I’ll be right back. Just peek in on her every now and again and make sure she’s ok” as “Carry her around and snuggle her and refuse to give her back for hours.” She is the greatest gift I have ever received and her pediatricians say she looks great! She’s small but doesn’t know it. All she knows is, we are wrapped around her tiny fingers. What a wild, wild year it has been! I love you with my whole heart, Devin Sydney Rayne Butler aka “Baby Button”. Thank you for coming into our lives.

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