The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a School Supply Scavenger Hunt of Shame

Oops! You forgot the number 3.14 pencils AGAIN.

It happens to the best of us. We drop our precious charges off for their first day of school and realize with horror that all the other kids have every last item on their list of required supplies. Alas, you have forgotten everything except a measly 24-pack of crayons, watercolors, washable markers, and those strange, purple glue sticks that don’t come in packages smaller than five. (Those are important because gluing things together is like 99% of productivity as an adult.)

Never fear! I’ve got you covered with this comprehensive guide to saving face and surviving your frantic Scavenger Hunt of Shame.

For your mission, it’s best to avoid warehouse stores. While it’s true that you could stock up on enough pens and notebooks to last your child’s entire educational career, it’s also true that there are many impulse items you don’t want to end up bringing home — six pounds of shrimp, a case of wine, and a new set of patio furniture spring to mind.

Instead, head to a place like Target, Walmart, or your local Try-n-Save VaLU Mart.

Once you arrive at the store of your choosing, do a few stretches and calisthenics to warm up before you unbuckle your kid from his car seat. Ignore the curious looks of others in the parking lot. (Although you’re probably immune to looks of interest and/or scorn by now, seeing as how you’re a forgetful, woefully disorganized parent of a preschooler.)

You’re going to want to throw some decoy items in the cart so it doesn’t look like you only came to the store to purchase school supplies. I suggest a few dozen packs of dental floss, toilet paper, and maybe some of those very small potted plants that live on air alone.

By now, the employees are probably setting up for Christmas, but you should be able to find a few school supplies in the far back corner where they hide the…

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