Discovering Myself

An Ongoing Journey

If you are in your late twenties and still don’t know yourself well, raise your hand.

Throughout college and after graduating, my family has told me I need to plan for the future, know what I want, stick to something, and pursue it in the long run. If I was unsure about any of those things I’d be asked: “Why don’t you know? How can you not know? When will you figure it out?” over and over again. In fact, they still do to this day.

It can be stressful when you have people breathing down your neck saying you should know yourself by now. Trust me. I’d also love to possess a set of traits and talents that accurately describe myself. However, I’m the type of person who is constantly rediscovering herself. There was a time in middle school when I was strongly inspired to pursue music and spent hours creating pieces on GarageBand, practicing the piano, and covering songs in the attic. There was a time in college when I was into makeup and started wearing it daily for two years. I’ve been constantly exploring hairstyles and clothes that match my vibe, and I yearn to find a specific style that perfectly suits me.

I am very envious of people who’ve been rocking bangs since they were young or have been reading mathematics books as a hobby for as long as they can remember. As trivial as it might sound, from my perspective, they have something solid that is theirs and makes them who they are. Like a plant, they’ve cultivated an aspect of themselves long enough for their roots to grow long and deep into their being. In comparison, I’ve been planting and discarding various plants before they reach full maturity. I fail to commit to them as I always seek change. Or something new. Something “better.”

Ironically, I’ve been striving so hard to decipher “Who am I?” that I completely lost track of my goal. I’ve been so fixated on answering the question that it’s become an arduous task more than an exciting quest. Am I genuinely trying to find myself or just answering the question to get it over with?

Maybe my “thing” is that I’m perpetually evolving. As much as I’d love to reach character stability, I unconsciously have the need to molt to let a new side of me shine. Perhaps deep down, I know there’s much more about myself to reveal that cannot go unseen, so I push myself to experience everything I can be and achieve before settling on a particular thing.

Hence, who am I? I am a young adult searching for a meaningful career, exploring new challenging hobbies that spark joy, and strengthening bonds with loved ones. I am a short-haired UX/UI Designer who enjoys wearing casual, colorful shirts accompanied by the same pair of baggy jeans and black Converse whenever she’s ready to head out. I am a mother to three cats. I have a plethora of interests, and I’m constantly overwhelmed by the abundance of choices and opportunities the world has to offer. I am an avid Youtube-video-watcher living vicariously through others’ lives, wondering what it’d be like to wear their shoes.

This is who I am today.

Who will I be tomorrow? We shall see.

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